


Every you every me

by Generally_Madness



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Drug Use, I Don't Even Know, Just me rembilling as Harry Potter in first person pov, M/M, Multi, Sex, pleas have mercy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-01-04 23:53:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12178947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Generally_Madness/pseuds/Generally_Madness
Summary: Harry just seems to spiral up and down in life not knowing where it’s going. Somehow the golden boy just got lost in life wanting something not knowing what and no one there to help since everyone thinks his got to have it good.(This is a recycled story from me. I posted this already on fanfiction back in 2011 and last updated it in 2013. So now I hope to finish it here.)It’s a bit confusing since I was trying out a different writing style that I’m not used to. At least now I know it’s not for me.





	1. Chapter 1

Lying next to you

Here I am waking up next to you, last night a blur of alcohol, limbs, grunts, thrusts and lies.   
We pretend that this relationship is normal, but it’s not.   
There are all kind of relationships but f**king like animals and ignoring each other the next day isn’t a relationship it’s more a routine, our routine that we didn’t know and didn’t want to break. We agreed to this, we both liked doing it like this we never complained never wanted anything else, there was no other and also nothing more. This was our thing, calling each other up when we needed it, relive stress, let out anger, simply didn’t have anything to do or we were horny.

Isn’t it funny how we f**ked for everything but the most unused excuse being horny? Well there probably wasn’t time to be horny when we used all the other excuses. How many times would you pull my hair to get out your anger for something someone else did? I wasn’t better I always called you up when I was lonely when I was afraid of my life, how blissful it was to forget the fact that my life wasn’t going anywhere, while mercilessly riding you. You would think I had romantic feelings for calling you up when lonely but the truth was far from it, you were a distraction, a pill to forget it all, a numb feeling when everything else ached, too bad you only lasted so long. The next day when I got to my apartment I already remembered why I left it but there was no time to ponder upon it. I was already late for work.

So here I lie next to you thinking about…us? Of all the things, I never thought I would have to think about us. We were ’together’ because we didn’t have to think about it. It was simple, carefree and always available when needed. But like all things it can’t last forever. Things evolve or fall, go a step further in evolution or get extinct because of being incapable of change. Yes I know we said we won’t change but the thing is this not changing can only last till we actually want it like that. In relationship like ours people start whishing for something more than sex or get bored and want someone new.   
Well I was the first kind, I don’t know why I wanted more than mindless sex but the even sadder part was I didn’t want you. Usually people developed this want for more, for love, for living together happily ever after with the person they see so often and do things together but not me. I wanted love, wanted stability, wanted my happy ever after but not with you. You were incapable of change, or better said you didn’t want change. This life suited you perfectly why change it to something you didn’t know.

I should have developed love for you, that should have been the routine in love stories well actually in life, bad drama life is, but I didn’t the only feeling I developed was sadness because of being incapable to develop love. Ironic, isn’t it, me being sad for the thing I ran to, to forget my sadness. I don’t know if I was sad for you or for me maybe both, I just know this will have a horrible ending the longer we postpone it; at least I thought it would. But I couldn’t break the chain of routine. I should have waited for you to wake up, say I’m unhappy and wanted an end but I didn’t. I left before you woke up went back to my apartment and wondered when you would call or will it be me calling you and would I lie there next to you afterwards thinking the same thing as I did before. Well maybe I will change my mind between the time someone calls the other and decide that I still want this and don’t need change don’t need to evolve don’t need love. Maybe I would never need any of those things or at least for 10 years of 5 but I had the sinking feeling that maybe a year and I will think about his again but the feeling sinks lover maybe 8months, sinks lower, maybe 5 months, sinks lower maybe 3 months, then I get to the bottom, I will probably think about it the next time I’m lying next to you and don’t know if I should wait for you to wake up or leave before that. 

I called you.

I had an epically big fight with my friend. It started harmlessly with a question of how I was doing, continued to what I’m doing in my love life then what I’m doing with my life. Somehow we landed on the uneven grounds of me accidentally saying too much and then I don’t know haw we got to this but we were shouting about everything how every step I made every decision simply everything was wrong how unhealthy my relationship was how incapable and nowhere leading my life was and who knows what more. I couldn’t make out half of the things shouted in the mess of noise. 

It was true. That’s why I was so angry and shouted back, everything was true and I couldn’t face it. Yes I thought about it a lot, but that was all in my head it is completely different when it was staring you in the face from a friend, said out loud. 

With all that happening you would think I would do something about it but I didn’t. I called you. You were the reason the fight started the reason I was upset and what did I do? I ran to you for a ‘forget things happened’ f**k. I did forget for those glorious thrusts and sleep afterwards, but here I am again I woke up and remembered all that happened.

I’m at the start again. Thinking how we pretend this relationship is normal when it’s not. But today it’s different. It wasn’t only me thinking those things it was also my friend’s voice, which made the difference. I couldn’t pretend they were only my thoughts and other people don’t see it that way. I thought of waiting for you, thought of leaving, though and thought. At the end I left you a note of saying how I needed something more I mentioned that I don’t really know what I needed and that it’s over.

I tough I gave you a loophole that you could use to come after me convince me that we could be something more. But it seemed you didn’t get it or you did but didn’t know what to do or you simply didn’t care enough. Don’t get me wrong I’m not sad about it I just had this need to make something out of this relationship that couldn’t be. So we both moved on it seemed, well how could you move on when you were never in it? Yes well that was how it worked for us, nothing binding nothing in it. If you don’t put anything in it there can’t be anything out of it. There was no drama after the end, which was the disaster the whole thing seemed so worthless because there was no fight for it. So that was the end of us and the start of me looking for love or me looking for what I tough was love and people I thought I loved.

Sometimes, after another one of my relationships goes wrong, I wonder if it would have been batter staying with you. I wonder and think what if… but the thing is if I was still with you I would lie there next to you thinking how we pretend that this relationship is normal but it’s not.


	2. Chapter 2

So here I was on my quest for love. 

My friends still weren’t completely comfortable with me. The yelling mach left a scare and I couldn’t expect that my friend wouldn’t tell the things to other people in the heat of the moment. Just look what I did I may have not told anyone but I went and fucked the whole night.

Ron was the wryest towards me. It was probably because he didn’t know I was gay before that. So wanting to make everything right, make up to my friends, get my life in order and fined love I went and got myself Lisa.  
I apologized, got a job went out with my again friends had fun and all. But then because of wanting to get love and get the thrust of Ron back I convince myself that Lisa was all I needed. She had long brown hair blue eyes and was as normal as they get. 

So here I was thinking I found my Love and got my life together but there was one problem. The moment I got drunk enough I went and got laid by a guy. Well you would think that that could happen to anyone when their dead drunk once in their life. The problem was, with her completely normal person Lisa bored me to tears and going out with friends was the antidote. So the longer I was with her the more I went out and pretty soon every time I went out I got drunk and a guy it seemed always the same one got to fuck my brains out.

I denied everything the morning I woke up with a hangover in my bed next to Lisa. I told myself she is the one I want and the thing with the guy was an accident of being drunk. There were warning bells going off in my head but that was just my head. Everyone else saw a happy couple nearing their 4 month anniversary and Ron was happy to have back his old friend he knew from school that looked at girls. I talked to myself that if my friends are happy to see me with her than it must be right. 

It became a routine going to work, talking how wonderful my girlfriend is, go out with my friends listening how great me and Lisa are together. It was mindless, I just repeated the things others told me about Lisa, listened without hearing and hoping I would one day wake up and believe all those things and be everything they expected me to be. Even the sex was routine, every Friday she would lie on her back spread her legs and that was all out of here.

If she weren’t a muggle I would think she was with me only because of the fame. But she didn’t know the famous Harry Potter. It seemed she was so normal and without an imagination that she didn’t know how to want anything more out of life.

I didn’t really know what I want but it certainly wasn’t this. Soon I didn’t even need to get drunk to let the guy fuck me. Funny thing was that I knew more about this guy, just not his name, than I did about Lisa only knowing her name. I knew there was an accident approaching but I just didn’t care if anything it would at least bring some excitement into this boring routine I call life.   
I was completely absorbed with being filled, moaning and enjoying the slow pace of thrusts when a crash broth us out of the delusion. Ron caught us doing it, staring with wide eyes mouth open imitating a fish out of water, dropping whatever was in his hand that now lied on the floor in million pieces.

Of cores there was drama but it seemed Hermione somehow could understand me. She made Ron understand that I just liked guys and forcing me to be with a girl won’t make it better. I tough she would go ballistic because of me cheating on my girlfriend with a guy but like always she surprised me with her understanding. She saw that I wasn’t happy with Lisa and had a slight suspicion of me cheating on her with a guy, but didn’t want to mention without having proof.

So the next day I broke up with Lisa that cried rivers, I really don’t know why. It’s not like we had anything special but maybe that was only me thinking like that, she probably didn’t know there are way batter things out there even if they were just mindless sex. 

So for the next month I had the delusion of love while taking drugs with my guy and having sex. I asked about his name, he told me but somewhere between drugs and sheets I forgot it. I joked that he’s my guy at start that was his nickname but pretty soon that was all of him, my guy, from whom I didn’t even know the name but knew every bump and vain on his dick. I don’t know how I convinced myself that that was love but somehow I did and deluded myself it will last forever. 

Of cores it couldn’t but that how I tough at the time. I still talked with my friends somehow I always got myself together and convinced them that I led a normal life. Well partly I did, I still went to work made conversation went out with my friends and was normal. But once I was back to my guy my whole would was about getting high and filled in all possible positions. I had the feeling that in that month we tried every position in the kamasutra but after that it went downhill. 

When the positions started to repeat I got bored and with boredom came doubt. I started to doubt he was the one and the more I thought about it the more I could see there really isn’t anything to him, even the sex started to be bad or maybe I just didn’t want it anymore. Like they say once you don’t like someone every single thing they do starts to annoy you. And boy did he annoy me. The noise he made while moving around, the way he walked, the noise of him chewing, even the way he breathed while lying in bed, simply everything.

I actually got my guts together and confronted him with this facts, he didn’t take it well. He was angry at first and tried to scare me into not leaving but then he changed tactics and was all sweet and candy with me. When he left for his job I left for my life. The only good thing was we always met at the bar and went to his place, so at least I won’t have to move.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I always thought that Nancy boys were like short cute female looking guys that can weir make-up and look totally adorable, that are probably gay or bisexual. But now that I looked it up on Google most of the time it says it’s just another way to say that a guy is gay. I don’t really know how you my dear readers look at the word but just bear with me and when I mention it in the story remember my definition of the word Nancy boy because I wrote it before I knew all the facts. Oops.
> 
> Chapter 3 was inspired by the song Nancy boy by Placebo

I was once again single and out there.

My friends actually didn’t have anything against it, but then again they didn’t know my happy relationship with my guy was full of drinking, fucking, getting high, fucking and drinking and maybe fucking again, if we weren’t to out of it. So they let me to “grieve” over my lost love with partying. Well they thought I was only going out to forget things and try having a good time, my definition went more like: drinking, loosing clothes and having a different partner every night. Not really every night but every weekend and occasionally during the week. Can’t really remember properly.

Somehow I thought young Nancy boys would make me happy. They weren’t much younger and they were legal, I just thought it was time for me to be the “man”, the older more experienced lover to teach the inexperienced beginners, to help them explore and fined out new things about their body and “love” making.

There were new things for them to discover and try out for the first time, but for me it was the same thing every night just a different face and tone of grunts. I had to start at the beginning with every one of them since they never did it before, so I had to be gentle, slow and this and that and that and a bunch of other things. Next night I though of trying something different but I had to be the same things since it was a new face and they hadn’t done it yet and weren’t prepared for anything but the standard.

But hey it was fun while it lasted plus half the time I didn’t know I did the same thing yesterday and the day before that and the day before that or the week before that. Half of the time I was so shit face drunk I’m surprised I could get it up. There was no love and contrary to everyone’s believe of the inexperienced little buggers falling in love with the one that showed them the joy of sex for the first time, they didn’t do it. They knew there won’t be any big romance afterwards; they knew it before they talked to me, before they stepped into the bar, probably before they put on the first line of their eye-liner when getting ready to go out. They were there to have a good time and have sex with someone that won’t annoy them with declarations of love and sobbed when they didn’t want to see them anymore, or they just wanted to be rid of there virginity. 

I’m surprised how littler worth had virginity in these times. I tough people would treasure it a bit more, not like waiting till marriage or something, more in the sense that they at least knew the person and liked them when thy were doing it for the first time, at least trusted them. You can’t trust a stranger especially when you’re so vulnerable. I knew I wouldn’t do anything bad to them but who knew for the other who didn’t have the luck of stumbling upon someone decent. 

Then again who am I to lecture people on relationships when I can’t even get my own under control.

 

I was lying on a bed looking how one of my latest lays was putting on make-up in the bathroom. It didn’t hit me, I just simply acknowledged the truth that I knew all along, only ignored it well.  
Shorter pretty petit boys with make-up weren’t for me.

I wanted a man, a strong taller than me man, where I could be the damsel needing of saving. I know I’m vary well capable of saving myself I just want a guy that could do it as well, even if I didn’t need it or so I though. And those little daisies I’ve been doing lately, certainly weren’t capable of that. So I really needed to change my taste in men or better said recognize and admit my taste of men. Stop fooling around wasting time with those I didn’t actually want and start looking for what I wanted and needed.

Only now did I realize that I was at the start again.   
Just like the time when I was lying in bed thinking over my relationship leading nowhere wanting more. Only now instead of having a relationship built on calling each other every so often to fuck, now I had no relationship and fucked every so often with a different person. I had nothing and was nowhere near of fulfilling my wish of love. I actually forgot that I wanted love.

I completely forgot about my wishes desires and wants, I was completely absorbed with going through a week making sure I didn’t need to masturbate.  
Now that I was looking at my life again, just like the first time, the wish for something more came full force back to me.

“Do I look good?”

I looked up at the boy standing in front of me. He was 18 so a man in age but with the petit look he was a boy more like a girl with the blood red lipstick and silver eye shadow. I answered that he’s very pretty to which he smiled a bright smile and said we needed to go soon because the room was rented for only a night.

With one last look at him, I knew that he may be pretty, but I didn’t need pretty, I knew I needed a man. A man where I could actually place a name to the face.

The next day I announced to my friends how my time of grieving was over and how I’m prepared for the adventure of looking for my true love. I was prepared to get completely and utterly absorbed with the task of love, I would fined it I would get it and happen what may happen I would put everything into it fined a nice guy that fitted me who isn’t a jerk and I will fight for the relationship.

They were all happy to see me back full of energy and ready to live my life.

I just wish I wasn’t so blinded back then, I was so concentrated of finding love the movie type love, I couldn’t see anything else or the fact that life isn’t a movie.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> inspiretion the song Pretty Girl by Sugarcult

“Hermione he just said he wanted to try something new, something that I couldn’t offer him and then he left” my voice became lower and lower becoming a whisper at the end of my sentence. 

She gave me a sad look “and what is it now, the 5th time he has done this”

I looked at her sideways “Is that supposed to help me?”

“Harry I know you are vary attracted to him but you can’t let him treat you like this”

I looked at her with despair “Yes that what I get for falling again, it’s just I can’t keep him out of my head, it’s the way he makes me feel the way he kisses me the way he makes me fall in love”

“The way how he’s in your mind the way he kisses you and the way he makes you cry Harry! Don’t you see, we’ve been here so many times before? Don’t your instincts tell you to be aware that he’s destroying you? He hurt you so many times before and still you take him back every single time. Don’t you see his bad for you!”

“but …but…you don’t understand…so OK he has a few flaws but everything else…it’s just….you don’t know how he makes me feel"

She let out a sight “Harry you have to open your eyes and see he’s not the one you think he is”

“What’s that supposed to mean? You think I don’t really love him or that he doesn’t love me?”

“I’m sure you think you really love him but think about it, if he loved you would he have broken up with you 5 times. And think about all the flaws and all the right things, like how you would prefer if he left his hair long instead of short and how you like his sarcasm, or the guy before him how you wished he was taller and had black hair.”

I looked at her a bit confused “So what if I would like a few changes, you don’t love everything about Ron either”

“No but think about it, maybe you’re transferring your feelings from another person on to him” 

“I don’t know any other person that would be as perfect as my Daren”

Hermione gave exasperated sight “Yes well I can’t force you to see something you don’t want to see but if you remember you’re here because you don’t have your Daren anymore.”

My face fell “Yes, no more Daren”

“I wish, he will be back saying how he found out a new part of himself and how he wants to share it with you and then after a few weeks he will again brake up with you to find another part of him”

My face lit up “Do you really think he will be back?”

She yelled at me outraged “HARRY! Don’t you get it, he only uses you, he breaks up with you has another guy to fuck and then he wants you back so you can take care of the bills. Don’t you see he is BAD for you, you shouldn’t be with him anymore.” 

“Well news flash I’m not”

“Not for now, but when he comes back crawling you will forgive and forget, but you shouldn’t! You should break up and make it final” 

I looked at her defeated “But how will I live without him?”

“Better”


	5. Chapter 5

Have I ever said I should have listened to Hermione?   
Well I should, I should have listened and ended it with Daren then and there. But for the first time in a long time I was IN LOVE, or was I delusional.   
Probably both. 

Anyway I should have moved on forgot about Daren. Looking back it was the simplest anr right decision and like Hermione said I would have lived better. But that would have been a too simple ending and if life thought me something it was that I don’t get simple endings. If the cosmic forces don’t screw it up then I do it subconsciously it seems. I just can’t seem to choose the easy rode.

So I didn’t listen and somehow I convinced myself that he was the one, convinced myself that when this phase passes we will live happily ever after and when we remember back on this we will laugh and tell each other how stupid we were. How blind we were that we didn’t see we were meant for each other sooner. We would look at each other with tired eyes but there would still be a twinkle in them, I would comb through his white hair with my fingers and he would gently cares my wrinkles face and we would be happy.

Like I said I was delusional.

I was so blind he brought my world crashing down so many times before, but still I had this tiny shimmer of hope that this time would be the last time and that now would be the time that he would finally be ready to come and leap into our “happily ever after”.   
What can I say? I was madly in love, living in my own, twisted into my liking, world. 

Hermione was of cores right. Daren called telling me how he made a mistake, how he was stupid and wrong, how I was everything to him, how he couldn’t live without me, and on and on his story went. I didn’t care that everything sounded so familiar that in part I’ve heard it all before I was the luckiest man on earth, in my head our eternity together was beginning, there was no doubt in my mind in my head nothing could now come in between us.

You can practically hear the “oh boy was I wrong” coming and OH BOY was I wrong. I didn’t know life could drift into such a disaster in just a few minutes. For me it was a shock but luckily the big disaster happened to Daren without me knowing there would be even more consequences for me to deal with later.

Well now to get ahead of myself, the big disaster it had to involve Darren’s need to try something new and I somehow blame myself for not investigating those things more in the past. What was I expecting, he broke up with me every so often to try something new and I was so dumb and blinded by his return to never ask what it was that he was looking for.

So now our life was on its usual path, the past repeating itself Daren wanted to try something out, the difference was he wanted to include me. I of cores didn’t suspect that it could end badly I was just happy that his adventures finally included me. He told me how all the other times he was afraid I would reject him or not be in to it. Those times it seemed usually included different kink stuff and things, everything that he told me didn’t seem so bad and nothing set the alarm bells off so I was in a false security. The way he explained what we were going to do is have a threesome, what he forgot to mention was that there would be 4 people included. So when he introduced me to a wary bulky man and his wary quiet and young looking companion I just went with the flow. 

We were in a bar calmly getting to know each other, well Daren and the bulky guy already knew each other and the quiet petit boy wasn’t talking at all, but I was in my old element of getting shit face drunk so I didn’t really care. I was completely oblivious to my surroundings, another one of my old habits when drunk, so I didn’t pay attention and if I did I would have noticed the small things about the bulky guy and Daren that would make me feel uncomfortable and that someone was probably watching us more than they should in such a crowded bar. 

If I think about it I was really careless and not only now, all the other times before. All the times I got drunk, every time I fucked my guy, every time I left the bar with one of my Nancy boys. I’m surprised that only Ron walked in on me, if I think about it my life could have been quite a big tabloid shocker. 

So before I knew it I was lead to an apartment across the bar to have the most amazing night of my life or so they told me. Well it really was unforgettable in the end. 

Daren was standing behind me stroking my sides trying to get me in to it while we watched the bulky guy slowly undress the little boy. In my drunken delusion I couldn’t get myself to care what they would do to me, but what got my brain to start processing things was when I saw the tell-tale tie and emblem of a Hufflepuff. Looking properly the boys’ eyes were glassy and when I though back the boy didn’t drink more than 2 glasses of something and I was sure he couldn’t have been that drunk off of it. I don’t know if I could have struggled or if I had a chance against Daren and the bulky guy.   
Luckily for me and the boy right at the moment I came to the realisation that something was horribly wrong the door flew open with a laud ban and the next second a black figure was walking through the apartment straight to the bedroom.

The boys’ eyes widened when seeing his professor, sadly I can’t say that I was any more collected then the boy, I think addition to the eyes my mouth was hanging open as well.  
With all his black majesty Snape descended upon the bigger guys, I sadly can’t recall what exactly happened but that’s probably because I passed out. 

For your information it was because of the drinks and not because of Snape being the knight in shining armour, professor in black fluttery robes would be more appropriate description, even more accurate would be a bat from hell. 

I was just glad I wasn’t in school anymore.


	6. Chapter 6

I spent the night filling out forms giving my statement and trying to recall the night’s events as accurate as my foggy mined let me. When I was done the sun was starting to show, I was completely exhausted and just wanted to fall into bed. What I didn’t expect was to see my face plastered on the morning papers, staring at me from the floor when I got home.

I don’t know who witness that night or how the papers got the story but in the morning they were full of it.

To sum it up their version went something like:  
A unknowing naïve Hufflepuff got deceived, Mr. Harry Potter saw what was happening tried to help got drugged by (unbelievably) his boyfriend, they got even more unbelievably saved by an ex death eater.

I was surprised I wasn’t made the bad guy and wondered with what Snape threatened them to make them leave his name out of it. A shiver went through my body from the memory of Snape leaning over me, trying to intimidate me into admitting something he thought I’ve done. I pushed the thought to the back of my mind, pouring a shot of whisky knocking it back to calm myself before I passed out face down on my bed. 

I was peacefully drifting through sleep when a laud alarm ripped me from unconsciousness into reality. At first my foggy mined thought it was from a car until I noticed it was way too loud to be from the outside. It took me a couple of seconds to realise the alarm was blearing in my house.

I grabbed my wand getting up to investigate what was happening but didn’t get far; the intruder was already barging into my room yelling a spell in my direction. I dodged and after that it seemed I was on autopilot.   
Curses, spells flying every direction, moving, yelling, furniture getting destroyed. In the end I got the upper hand and knocked out the intruder. Just then a bunch of aurors came running, securing the attacker and dragging him away. 

I might have been over occupied to notice it before, but when I took a good look at the man, he had casual cloths but there was unmistakably a death eater mask on his face.   
So it was true there were still death eater out there and it seemed they were done with waiting or was this crazy attempt by an insane individual.

My thoughts were interrupted by an auror informing me they were looking into it that they would leave a few men just to be sure, that I should stay in the house for my own safety and I would be informed about the proceedings as soon as possible. With that he left.

I slumped onto my bed practically feeling the adrenalin leaving my veins. I felt exhausted, in the past few months I completely forgot about that part of my life. I was blissfully unaware of the dangers, not thinking once something like this could happened while I was out getting shits face drunk or past out. I only now realised how lucky I was it didn’t happen on one of those occasions, because let’s be honest, they were farm more than the ones where I was only sleeping.

I rubbed my eyes trying to dislodge the dark thoughts, no point fearing about things that could have been. I made my way to my kitchen noticing 2 men standing outside trying not to look suspicious and failing miserably. I guess they aren’t used to muggle neighbourhoods. 

Somehow I easily slipped back into my normal life lazing about like nothing happened just hours before. I made myself coffee read the paper, cleaned the house, and watched TV. Only when I was lying down in bed getting ready to sleep did I notice how numb I was through the day and in that same second the realization hit me reality came crashing into me. All the feelings I was so blissfully unaware through the day were just so much more intensified by the darkness surrounding me.

I was betrayed by my love, I almost witness an innocent boy get raped, I would have been raped, and I almost got killed by a crazy man. Again.   
Everything just twirled around my head over and over again.

I was so done with my life.


	7. Chapter 7

Good thing my instincts were alive and keeping me alive since my mentality wasn’t doing such a great job. And also for the aurors standing around, I was pretty sure there was another attach while I was pasted out. Or maybe the noise was my headache.

Well, it probably was an attack since the next time I woke up they were rushing me to pack my things only to be secretly transported with a portkey to a small house on the seaside. Bags in my hands, and under my eyes I was being coolly greeted by non-other than Snape. 

The man was an imposing figure but I wasn’t a child anymore, and with my life being as fucked as it is I just didn’t have any energy left to fight Snape or listen to his shit, trying to put me in my place. So I quietly followed into the small house and into the room that was mine for the time being.

I set on the bed, blankly looking at Snape judging me up and down before leaving without a word.

I just sat there, looking at the wall. Not a single thing went through my head. I did register Snape making small noises as he moved around. I looked at my 2 begs that were hastily thrown together, well one was by me the other was probably someone else helping since I don’t remember throwing my things in a black bag. I couldn’t make myself to bother unpacking. I just sat there for who knows how long.

...

It was late in the evening when I made my presence known. “So I guess no fun drinking games”.

Snape turned towards me blank face in place “I’m here to make sure no stray revenge seeking deatheater will kill you. I don’t care if you’re so far gone in your alcohol addiction that you can’t leave it be for a few days. Actually it would be much better for me if you drink yourself into unconsciousness so I don’t have to hear your yapping.”

I narrowed my eyes, who does he think he is just because he saved me a few times, he didn’t see me since school and that unfortunate meeting when he broke down the door and saved me but still, he doesn’t know anything about me or my life “I’m not addicted and I can certainly take care of myself, maybe you didn’t notice but I’m an adult now ”

Snape arched an eyebrow staring at me “Really now?” there was a long pause and I knew that was not the end of it.

“I’m completely convinced you can take care of yourself and how you don’t have an alcohol problem especially while being half way into an alcoholic coma and fucked in an alleyway behind a bar. But it seems your friends and the ministry don’t think that way but sadly I’m the one who has to look after you”

I couldn’t control my face the horror was plainly visible “ how…. How do you know that”

He looked pleased at having me in a corner “I have eyes and you decided to do that in the ally that is the most used apparition point. I’m surprised the papers didn’t find out”  
I was too, but I still thought the papers would have been better than Snape and seeing the disgust shown on his face in person. 

“Yeah, …yeah, it’s , yeah” I couldn’t make my mouth or brane work “yeah me being gay and all just disgusting”

The stern voice he used to call my name made me focused on him again.

“I’m sure in this day and age you being gay wouldn’t be such a shocker the ‘and all’ part is the problem. Your throwing everything away and most importantly your ruining the lest lit of that little brain you have left. Not to mention I had to burn my cloak after you puked on it. Your behaviour is hazardous to yourself and others.”

I just wished I would wake up and it was all a bad dream. Everything, Snape, the attack, Daren, all the fuck ups, just everything. “When? When did I puke on you?”

Snape let out and audible breath though his nose “a few weeks back” my brain supplied it was probably one of the times Daren needed a break and I got shit faced while trying to forget my sorrows.

I got pulled out of my foggy memories from Snape continuing “I apparited from a late meeting only to be meted with the sight of you half naked and being violated. Well you heavily argued you wanted it that way. You were naked no pants in sight and you couldn’t remember if you came to the club with a shirt or not. So I lend you my cloak, which I now regret, for obvious reasons.”

There was a long pause, probably to let the information sink in, not that it jogged any memory.

“I’m not surprised you don’t remember. By the state you were in I’m sure there was more than just alcohol involved.”

“Probably” there really was nothing more to say. I knew I fucked up before but this situation just made it more real. I just wanted to wallow in self-pity, maybe scream or burry myself in a hole, but I just couldn’t move myself from the spot.

My silence seemed to encourage Snape to continue “Well, on the bright side, if that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have paid attention to your bar habits and I wouldn’t have been there to see you and that Hufflepuff get drugged. I wouldn’t have saved you the ministry wouldn’t have paid attention, the Deatheater attack wouldn’t have been prevented and we wouldn’t be shearing this lovely vacation together. Everything turned out just splendidly”

What could I say to that? I hated the sarcasm dripping from Snapes words, but he was right. Everything was my fault, I fucked up royally but what can I do. I felt like shit before this I didn’t need Snape to rub my nose in it. I just needed … I don’t know what I needed but it certainly wasn’t Snape staring at me.

“Right. I’m sure I can make myself pas out to lessen your burden”

And I just left. I’m sure whatever he needed to say and accuse me of or make me feel bad, can wait till tomorrow. The only thing I wanted was to go to bed.


	8. Chapter 8

I could feel a soft hand cupping my face. At first I could only feel the hand but slowly I realised I was lying on my front head to the side. It was such a gentle hand compared to my ponding head. Slowly coming to myself I could feel my body coming alive and screaming at me from all the pain.   
I opened my eyes seeing the concerned face of Snape.   
I could barely hear him over the ringing in my ears   
“Don’t spit it out”

I looked confused my first thought was did we have sex, the second: what the hell did we do to make me feel like the Hogwarts Express hit me.

He must have capped talking I could just catch him saying “…horrible taste but it’s the most efficient thing a haven for this kind of curs”

There was definitely a bad taste in my mouth but nothing to spit out, so I could croak “what” without pissing off Snape.

I tried turning my body to get a better look at him, but only managed to drag my head a bit against his hand. It felt like Snape caressed my cheek before he started to lift my head and we both scrambled to try to get my body into a sitting position, him doing most of the job.   
For some reason when he removed his hand I missed it.

“And this is exactly why you are here”. I could see him trying to look annoyed but there was still too much concern in his eyes. Old habits die hard I suppose. And so do mine.

I wanted to contradict him, argue. I didn’t get drunk, I hadn’t past out from drugs, at least I didn’t remember taking any with me or taking any. But I also didn’t have any energy to fight Snape. As I could hardly keep my head up I decided to just let him think whatever he wants, not like he ever had a high opinion of me.

I let my head fall back against the wall but still needed Snaps hard holed on my arm, to prevent me from sliding down that wall.

“Someone in the auror department planted this no one else got access to your things in the time you packed. At least it shortens the list a bit”

I lifted my head in surprise, so an attack, probably a curst item, I could slightly recall unpacking my suitcase but not much else.

“Black bag not my” I wanted to sound smarter but that was all I could get out.

“I guessed” I looked at him weird, how did he know?

Snape started turning my hand around looking at my palms than into my eyes his hand want to the back of my neck don’t know what he was looking for there. Then I realised he was turning my head up, holing it in place. He was checking for signs if something was wrong, well more wrong than what happened. Then I realised he must have found me when it happened, I realised we were in my room. Blinking, I could feel my mind clearing.

“Are we in danger?” Snape seemed to be satisfied with his check as he removed his hands from my neck quirking an eyebrow

“ _We_ are perfectly safe. They must have planted the item before and any tracking would have been destroyed by my protection spells”

Snape rose to his feet I could only watch him start to tower over me, then I realised I was still on the floor. I wanted to move to the bed but I’ll wait till Snape leaves, don’t want him seeing me stumble to get my limbs into coordination, if I can even move them.   
I could see my fingers twitch, which was distressing since I was trying to clench my fist. Snape still hadn’t moved I looked up from my fascination with my hands to see him put away his wand.   
He bends down arms going under my arms encircling me in a strong hold. I was being lifted, my face getting pushed into the chest in front of me. And still I couldn’t keep my mouth shut the situation was just too weird

“quit the hand on approach” Snape actually didn’t drag me to the bed, he just swooped me up made two steps and lay me down on the bed   
“Well I learn my lesson that levitation doesn’t agree with your stomach before, I’m not inclined to repeat that experience”


End file.
